Do you ever say something to your hubby, wife or partner like ‘seriously, can you turn the light off when you’re not in that room anymore?’ and then within 24 hours, you leave a room and forget to turn the light off? Or have you ever critised someone for constantly losing their keys…and then you do it too?
I was at a friends place not long ago when my friends partner went to find something in the kitchen. She said to me ‘watch this, he won’t be able to find it’. Within a minute he sung out:
‘Honey, I can’t find it, where did you put it?’
‘It’s where its always been, above the fridge on the left’
‘Nope, it’s not there’
‘Arggg’ she said under her breath. Gave me the look and got up to go and get it, but it wasn’t there.
She was stunned and then remembered she’d moved it into the pantry.
Does this sound familiar?
I used to do this all the time to Chris. Conversations looked like this:
‘Seriously, you’ve lost your keys again – how’s this possible? You know we have a key draw for a reason. When you get home put the keys in the draw and then you’ll always know where they are!’
And no wonder, he started parroting back similar sentiments: ‘You tell me there’s a key draw, but where do you put the keys?’ (they’re either in the key draw…or in my bag!)
I knew I had to stop, watch and listen. To shine a light on my behaviour in the hope that I could affect a change with our behaviour. I also knew that I needed to stop the nit-picking that ultimately can destroy relationship, but I didn’t know where to start so I sought some advice. After describing the situation above this is what my mentor said:
Relationships are a mirror
and they’re the biggest mirror you can ever have.
Hmmmm, this got me thinking. I was more aware of noticing this ‘negative’ behaviour but in my mind I’d told myself that if I could notice those things then I could notice the ‘positive’ mirrors too.
Ahhhh!! I love lightbulb moments!
It got me wondering, how do I change this? If I wanted our life to be full of beautiful moments and I wanted to see them then:
- I needed to create them
- I needed to be aware of them and be grateful for them, and
- I needed to shine a light on them.
I started by just saying thank you – thanks for bringing the washing in babe, thanks for making dinner, thanks for spending time with me, thanks for putting Teddy to bed, thanks for coming to netball with me – it was great to have you there.
I then started doing things for Chris. He loves the bed being made every day, so I did that. I put toothpaste on his toothbrush when I did mine. I pulled out his PJs and took all the extra pillows off the bed leaving only his (and mine) to sleep on. I made his morning smoothie for him. On Thursday I went to work early, he and Teddy were still in bed, so I left the smoothie cup, wholefood shake and barmix out on the bench with a note saying ‘You have my heart’.
None of this was hard or took me long to do, and has definitely created the life I want – we want. We have always said I love you, we’ve always sent each other a good morning message or email (yes this is after we woke up together), and if we weren’t together at night time, a good night text or email, but that wasn’t enough. I want an epic relationship, one that continues to grow as we grow, one that I don’t hide from or make excuses for. We still get a lot of crap from friends because we hold hands, even after 10 years, but you know what – that says more about them than it does about us.
So ask yourself, how often do I think:
He wouldn’t do that for me, so I won’t do that for him?
He can take his own coffee cup to the kitchen, I don’t have to do that for him?
He’s useless and can’t do anything for himself?
Tell me, how productive is that? And tell me, when you met that person, be it your hubby, your best friend…did you think those things about them? I can guarantee you ‘No’ is the answer. So ask yourself, why do you think it’s ok to do it now? We are often more compassionate to our children and strangers than we are to the people we ‘say’ we love the most.
Remember, mirror mirror – so what does this say about you? How are you showing up? What are you doing to create this?
It’s time to be the change that you want to see. It’s time to create the life that you want to live – make it happen, stand up, step up and watch what happens around you. We’re so incredibly blessed, we have incredible opportunities to create more love and light in our lives everyday, so why are you stopping yourself? xo
Photo of Chris and I on our wedding day – best day ever!! By Kelly Tunney
