Project 22 – Chapter 8
Chapter 8 – When the wheels fall off
It was Friday night, Chris and I were on the lounge watching the new episodes of Sex and the City. I wasn’t overly keen to watch them, although I loved the original series. I’ve loved Sarah Jessica Parker since Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and Footloose, and I wondered if it’d be like putting on an old pair of trackies that just feel oh so comfy.
I have to say, I wasn’t overly comfy with it – it kinda started out like the second movie, but then there were some good characters in there like Big, Charlotte’s new friend Lisa played by Nicole Ari Parker and Sara Ramírez – remember her from Grey’s Anatomy? Which really gave it some fun and weight.
Then, something Big happened at the end of the first episode, and I don’t want to give it away but it struck a chord and honestly if there wasn’t a second episode already waiting, we could have turned it off and I would have waited for Chris to suggest we watch it again – I was ready to move on.
The story line challenged me because of some similarities it has to my own life – but then it’s not the story it’s my thoughts about the story and me relating it to my own life.
A boat could have blown up, and I would have been like – ok, that’s a bit dramatic and it wouldn’t have effected my life – see the difference.
Now let me wind back a couple of days. On Monday I’d had an energy healing session with my Spiritual Guide. She’s amazing and my session was AMAZING. I felt so clear and ready to dive into the week with eyes wide open, but she always reminds me to be kind to myself because stuff’s going to come up – and Friday was that stuff.
I went bed crying in Chris’ strong, beautiful and loving arms, and woke up tired and emotionally drained. It took the entire day to quietly move through what was happening emotionally in my body and I did this with life happening around me.
Once upon a time I would have believed that I had to separate life and what I needed, but now I know, I can move through things whilst taking care of my family. I can wash the dishes and move through emotions. I can play with Teddy and move through emotions. The two things can co-exist together.
Chris was amazing too, he gave me lots of hugs, reminded me he was there to support me – whatever I needed, and he went about his day – just as he normally does, which brings me joy. In the past he’s tried to ‘be quiet’ for me, which, if you know Chris, lasts about 2.5 seconds, then he’s himself again and he feels bad – I never want him to feel bad for being himself, so it’s important to me that he carries on as normal and is ok when I can’t give him an answer because frankly, on those days I just can’t.
In the afternoon, I headed to town to get some groceries. I went and picked up our water, found Oat Milk Cheese to try on my gluten and dairy free pizza (not the success I hoped for), picked up my gluten free pizza bases and then when I was doing our grocery shop, I picked up some dairy free ice cream for me as an after dinner treat. I’d eaten another flavour made by this company before, so I wasn’t too worried about it.
After dinner, I’m still working on finding my perfect gluten and dairy free pizza and each week it’s a different journey which is good, I sat down to play Roblox with Teddy and eat ice cream.
The first bite was delicious, peanut butter tasting and then this brownie – which most likely wasn’t gluten free but I was going with it. The second bite was also great but from then on I was just eating the ice cream to eat the ice cream – one spoonful after the next.
Until, and I did watch it, I was about 1/2 a tub down.
Hmmm I should stop. I could feel my belly bloating – it’s been a while since I’ve had one of those – another spoonful.
I wasn’t really enjoying it – another spoonful.
Then I stopped at about the 3/4 mark. I’m really not enjoying this, time to put it away, so I popped it back in the fridge.
By that stage I was reviewing a 17 page governance document. It was a template and I was customising it for a local club. I had to pay attention to the detail, check cross references within the document and with the relevant Act, and then make recommendations.
But my eyes were a bit blurry and I couldn’t see particularly straight.
I focused as best I could, but I was getting tired and brain fog was happening, so I had to go over some paragraphs a couple of times.
Then my left foot started to twitch. It’s done this in the past and when I was pregnant with Teddy, the twitching would lead to bad cramps in my feet, like the ones where your toes go all gnarled and you’re in so much pain trying to straighten them. My strategy back then was to take myself to bed – and I still do that. I’d seen it as a sign that my body was ready for a snooze and that was ok.
However, I had a goal to achieve, and that was to get through another 10 clauses in the document, so I persisted. What helped with the twitching was putting pressure in certain areas of my feet then the twitching would stop for a bit – so I did that and it worked.
After a while though, I got to wondering about foot reflexology and the parts of our soles that are linked to the organs in our bodies – and guess what, the parts of my soles that I was pushing against were the liver and my stomach…hmmmm
I tried drinking water to flush everything through, and after about 30 minutes the twitching subsided and eventually stopped, but I was drained by this time. So when Teddy asked me to watch the last 29 minutes of his movie with him, I said ‘I’m about to go to bed buddy because I’m not feeling well, but how about we both get into Daddy’s and my bed, you watch your film and I’ll sleep?’ To which Teddy said ‘Ok Mum’ and we made it happen.
I drifted off to sleep and a few other things happened:
- I woke up in the morning feeling guilty about not staying awake to spend that time with Teddy – I truly felt awful and I realised I was to blame because I’d chosen to eat that ice cream that had then made me feel sick.
- I had night sweats for the first time in ages, I’m talking since the first time I started working with Brooke, my Naturopath – all because I ate something that didn’t agree with me (and I’ve known for a while ice cream didn’t agree with me, but it took me committing to myself for things to shift), and
- I woke up smelly, like bad BO smelly – and that hasn’t happened since I started drinking more water.
For me, these were 3 very big takeaways and all the things that happened on Saturday night – well they were huge takeaways too.
So what did I do? I got back on the horse. I didn’t beat myself up and I’m yet to throw out the ice cream, but I’ll do it when I think of it. I’ve spent years giving up things, for example, saying ‘I’ll never drink alcohol again’, but then I’m diving in a week later, now I choose not to drink it and if at some point I want a drink – I can totally have it. I don’t consider that I’m giving up ice cream, I’m just not eating it at the moment because it doesn’t feel good in my body – and I want to feel good in my body.
I want to have a clear mind, I want to have energy, I want to smell good – not stinky, and I want my muscles to feel loved.
These things all make me feel better and they’re a pretty good reason to keep going.
A quick update, a week later, I’m thinking ice cream, good quality ice cream that’s the real deal, is something I’ll try again, but the ice creams that are dairy free, well they’re off my list for now and I’m totally ok with that!
My next step
Getting through Christmas. I honestly thought I’d be fine, but I learnt a few things and I’m keen to share them with you. I think we’re really good people pleasers, even when we don’t think we are. We people please with ourselves and with others, and clearly it’s something I’m still unpicking.
There’s a time and a place to do what’s required, and then there’s the time that you decide what you want and you make it happen. I’m moving more into the latter space, with love and kindness, and it’s a journey and one that I’m learning through. See you in the next chapter!
You can check out everything about my Project 22 over here.
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Everything shared in this post and across my website is my story and recollection of conversation and events. They are in no way medical or mental health advice, prescription or diagnosis. Should you be interested in what I’m sharing and what this could mean in your life, then I’d encourage you to engage with the relevant health professionals or if you need support please seek out the health professionals that can support you.
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