I was sitting with a clairvoyant and she said ‘there’s something going on in your chest and there’s a message there.’

I smiled, yes I feel that too.

I’d been watching my lungs for some time and I noticed that they’d flare at certain times. I wasn’t sure why but after an experience with clenching and grinding my teeth, I wondered if I could uncover what was going on.

I went to see my dentist and she asked if I was in fact, clenching or grinding my teeth. To which I said yes, at night.

Then she said to me ‘oh that’s something you’ll never get rid of, so we’ll need to monitor it.’

I smiled, because the moment anyone says that something is permanent to me I think ‘nah, I can overcome that.’

I let it go, and she did her thing.

While she was deep in my mouth, I’m sure having the best time, I was on the other side reassuring myself ‘you’re ok, you’re ok, you’re going to be ok.’

My cortisol levels felt like they were through the roof and that I was about to break out in a sweat – and she was just cleaning the plaque off my teeth, imagine if she was drilling in there!

I got curious about it and I wondered, ‘what am I stressed about?’

Honestly, I didn’t have anything to be stressed about. My life was amazing. I did work I loved, I had a husband I loved, I had a home and life I loved. I ate great food, I was safe, I read books when I wanted to, I went walking when I wanted to – I had a stress-free life.

But here I was grinding and clenching my teeth.

Then it came to me, I was stressed about money.

We had money, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was I didn’t know what money was coming in. It wasn’t like I had a regular pay check, my income, and Chris’ income, was sporadic and more like a casual job pay cheque. You do the work, you get paid.

Which sounds pretty straight forward right, you do the work, you get paid – but you have to have clients for that.

The other side of this was looking at the underlying issue. It wasn’t just about clients – because that put the ability to relieve my stress outside of myself. When the ability to relieve my stress was an inside job. Just like happiness.

When I explored the stress and what it was telling me, I found out that the underlying issue was that I didn’t feel safe.

I wondered though, years earlier, I had felt safe with $10 in my account, but that was because I knew when my next pay cheque was coming in.

I knew in my mind that everything would work out – it always does (this is a belief I have and it’s never failed me), but I needed to find a way to feel safe and see if by feeling safe my grinding and clenching ceased or stopped.

I started playing around with thoughts that would make me feel safe in my body:

• Everything always works out (a thought I already had and started saying to myself regularly)
• I don’t have to know the destination, I just get to trust the journey
• I don’t have to know all the answers, just taking the one next step is enough
• This is a team effort (it’s not just me in this boat), and
• I am safe in my home, with the money we do have, the work I do etc.

Then I started embodying safety in my body. The mind and body are connected, so it wasn’t enough to say the thoughts, I had to feel the thoughts, and I had to feel good about the thoughts.

That said, saying ‘I don’t have to know the destination, I just get to trust the journey,’ felt bloody scary, so I sat with scary, and then was able to smile at myself.

Slowing down the moment allowed me to see what was going on in my head – all the scary thoughts, and then I could see how ridiculous they were and that none of it was actually happening now. NONE OF IT! 

The more I practiced the thought ‘I don’t have to know the destination, I just get to trust the journey,’ the easier it got to feel good and the less scary it got. Now I get excited about the journey and anchor my trust in the path being shown – even though I act like a scared child sometimes. It’s ok to be human 🙂

Now taking these steps didn’t magically stop me grinding and clenching my teeth over night, but I can tell you, that by my next dentist appointment, which was 3 months from the last one, I was no longer doing it. I had solved it.

I also had a solution for when it came back, and it did. I started doing it again a couple of months later. I became aware of it and I went through the same process I outlined above. Checking in with my body about what it needed, then bringing in the thoughts to support myself and feeling it in my body.

Healing myself again and much quicker this time. Literally within days.

Our bodies are so intelligent and when we stop to listen to it, the answers come.

Now with my NTM I haven’t been quite as successful (yet) but it’s coming, however this is what I’ve noticed.

Often when I cough it’s because my body wants me to stop.

It could be stopping a thought pattern and often it’s a negative thought loop:

• Why are you doing this?
• You can’t do this?
• When are you going to stop Susan?

It can also come up when I’m sharing something that I shouldn’t be. Perhaps I’m talking about someone or wanting to recommend something to someone. Whilst I don’t intend it to be negative, my lungs say ‘STOP’, this isn’t what we do. So if you see me being quiet, this could be why. There are many other reasons, like I’m actively listening and genuinely interested in what you have to say, but it could be because I’m not meant to be sharing in that moment.

It could also be because it wants me to slow my body right down. To sit down and do nothing or mediate, whatever it is, my body is needing down time.

It also could be about taking myself out of situations that don’t serve me, and therefore don’t serve the people or person I’m with. Again, slowing down life has created space for me to see when this happens and it’s been a blessing.

Finally, it could be when I’m eating something my body struggles with, like cold foods. I’ve touched on this a bit already, but I’ll go deeper into it later.

In essence, it’s about being curious. It’s about getting to know our bodies on an even deeper level to see the wisdom within. It’s about collaborating with our minds and bodies, to create the life we want.

Let’s keep healing.

This is like a time stamp for me. 

Seeing the changes that happened on Thursday, Friday and now Saturday has been really interesting.

We don’t often stop and take stock of our lives on a yearly basis, let alone a daily one. 

When I woke up on Saturday I had a dry cough. I’d again sweated through the night but it wasn’t as bad as Thursday night. In other words, I wasn’t drenched. I was dampish – sure, but not drenched.

I realised that I hadn’t been drinking enough water. I’d only been having about 1.5 to 2 litres, and I like to make sure I have about 2.6 litres, so that was my goal for the day – increasing my water intake.

Now you’re probably thinking ‘Susan, you’re going to sweat more.’ But let me tell you that doesn’t happen for me and I’ll explain more about why we need to drink more water in another post.

Chris noticed my coughing and brought it up with me. A week earlier, I’d asked him what he thought of my cough, and he said ‘I don’t notice it as much in the morning these days.’ Which was a big win for me. I was thinking the same thing, but I wanted to see if my outside world reflected my inside world. Meaning, if it did, I was on the right path.

Today he said ‘I feel like I jinxed you, and since saying your cough was better, it’s gotten worse.’

I explained to him that it wasn’t him, it was my body healing and things change – which is ok. I explained what happened on Thursday (waking up at 5.15am and going to bed at 11.15pm) and how I felt that had effected me, particularly on Friday. Then I shared how today was much better than yesterday and why.

Whilst yes I was coughing, it was a dry cough. If there was some mucus coming up it wasn’t NTM, it was normal body fluids, so that’s a win.

I also explained that this is a moving feast, and no matter what happens, I’ll be ok.

After we got home from soccer and grocery shopping, about 11am, my dry cough had almost disappeared, which is always interesting to me.

I had lunch and then headed off to Netball. 

I wasn’t sure if I’d play a full game or just half a game. Years ago I wanted to be on court for the whole thing, now I’m happy being the ‘part-time’ player and letting the young ones, or those that are super keen, to run as much as they like.

I warmed up for the game, we did a drill and then put some shots up. Besides being considerably older than the rest of my team, and feeling every bit of it, everything was fine and my lungs were good.

I went on court and everything was great until the last quarter.

About half way through the last quarter I started coughing. Runny NTM filled my mouth, and as quickly as I’d swallow it, the next cough came.

I coughed up about 5 mouthfuls of it before it dissipated and disappeared – of course.

But while it was happening, I was wondering:

• How long will this last?
• Is there blood in it? I did check for any metallic taste in my mouth, which indicates blood, but there wasn’t any.
• How much longer do we have of the game?
• Can I come off?
• With our other shooter down in defence, can I rotate off and then rotate back on, to get her off court in the defence end and then rotate myself back off? Because we only had one sub.
• Should I just come off and the team play with 6 players?

Then, as I shared, everything stopped and I finished the game. We drew the game, incase you were wondering, we were down by 2 with 30 seconds to go. Thankfully my goal attack was all over what was happening.

We thanked the other team, had a photo and came off court. I was coughing again, so I stepped away from the team while that was happening, just irritated airways and a bit of NTM. More annoying than anything.

However I did feel drained. It would have been the game plus the coughing, so I slowed things right down. I picked up my bag, put on my jacket (to keep my chest and neck warm) and then went over to another court to watch the next game.

I only intended to stay for the first quarter, but I was chatting with some lovely people and ended up staying for the whole game.

As I drove home I thought about writing this and how important it is for me and for others to see that whilst it’s hard and whilst we can do it, we can find our balance. How that looks for you, is different to how that looks for me, so getting to know ourselves is one of the greatest gifts we we can give ourselves.

We have to be our own best friends on this journey, and advocate for ourselves – we know ourselves better than anyone else. Whilst what’s happening isn’t ‘normal’ this is our ‘normal’ for now – and yes it’s always changing. What a blessing that is!

It’s the day after sharing ‘Testing My Body’ and  everything was looking rosy right? Well, as I noted in that post, my days aren’t all like what happened on Thursday.

Thursday had been a long day. I got up at 5.15am and went to bed at 11.15pm. It wasn’t a hard day, I wasn’t physically or mentally drained, but it was long in time and, on reflection, possibly too long.

That said, I knew I could sleep in on Friday because I only had one call at 9am where I was catching up with a friend and then we were heading off to the Agricultural Show. Full of carnival rides, winning toys and show bags. Of course there are lots of other parts of the show, including animals, art, cakes etc. but we don’t always get to those bits.

Teddy had come down in during the night because he’d had a bad dream, so we woke up together about 8am.

My dry cough started not long after and continued on to a wetter cough. It was more sinus/snot wetness, rather than NTM mucus, plus I was heating up.

At some point during the night I woke up drenched in sweat. It wasn’t enough to change my pyjama top, but I could have. This is an old symptom of my NTM. I had nights where I would wake up drenched, my pillow was drenched and I had to put down a towel on the bed because it was drenched. Whilst it could be peri-menopause, it’s too hit and miss for that.

It was a colder night, and I think that was the main cause of my sweating. You know those nights where it’s cold out of the doona and you’re toasty under the doona, but the temperature change is too much for your body and you over heat. It was one of those nights.

That annoying, dry and then mucus cough, which was mostly like clearing mucus from the back of my throat, rather than from my chest, was there for most of the day.

I barely even noticed it because coughing today was my normal. It would have been annoying for others.

Then, randomly, I’d have that lovely yellow NTM come up, then clear.

As I sit here tonight, writing this, it’s like I don’t have a cough at all. I feel very dry and clear – which seems crazy to me. How can I go from a day of messiness to nothingness? And perhaps that’s our journey of life. Sometimes we feel like it’s all happening and sometimes we’re in empty space – and both can be ok.

I share this to show how different things can be. Even now, when some days I feel like I’ve got this thing sorted, days like Friday happen and they’re the days when I remind myself that ‘change is good’ and to ‘thank my body for healing’ because that’s exactly what it’s doing.

When I sit down to share about my lung journey I don’t know where to start, so that’s where I’m starting. 

Not at the beginning, not at the end, because well, I’m not there yet, so lets start where I am and we’ll go from there.

Where am I? Oh this is so interesting, I actually have no idea. I can only compare where I am to where I was about 15 months ago.

My mornings now are a few dry coughs, snot running, blowing my nose in tissues and a few mucus coughs (from the snot) but that’s it.

During 11am-3pm I cough up Non-Tuberculous Mycobacterium (NTM). This is a lovely yellow mucus that comes up from my lungs. It’s a bacteria that’s super hard to get rid of and some people live with it forever – that’s not my plan.

It’s different when it comes up each day and it’s funny when it does come up because it’s like I’ve totally forgotten that I have it, so it comes up and says, ‘Hi, I’m still here!’ And I’m like ‘Oh crap, I forgot about you.’ Literally that’s what happens.

My nights are clear now and that’s a HUGE thing. I do sometimes dry cough, but I think this is more about my body moving off the lounge or bed and my lungs opening up and working. This will go soon, I know that to be true.

Every day is different, so I’m not saying this is how it is all the time, but this is my current baseline or my current normal.

Where I was 15 months ago was a much harder place and I did what I could to keep it ‘quiet’. Not because I didn’t want people to know, basically there weren’t a lot of people in my home in the morning, so it was just Chris, Teddy and I. However, I didn’t share where I was because I didn’t want advice or fixing. I stumbled around in the dark, looking for things that could help me heal.

Each morning would start with coughing up NTM. The wet cough would continue for about 45 minutes and I’d spit it out in the toilet or down the sink.

Then I had the wonder of this rising heat. I say that facetiously because it was a nightmare. I would feel the heat mainly through my chest, back, neck and face. I used to get an ice pack out to cool me down.

Now this could have been peri-menopause symptoms but I only had the lovely heat rising in the morning and it was with my cough.

I believe it was there to help kick the mucus out of my body, so my body was doing it for a reason but the heat, along with the cough, was exhausting.

Some days, Chris and Teddy would leave for school drop off and I’d head back to bed for an hour or two.

If I was working at 6am, there was a few months where I’d get up at 5am, boil the kettle to make my hot tea and have a hot shower. Then I’d walk around the house for the rest of the time doing what I could to deliberately bring up the mucus, so I wouldn’t cough on my call. It worked a bit and it made me feel better, but I still coughed.

There was also the time when I had a podcast interview at 4.30am. I got up at 4am and jumped around my office. Again, this was all about bringing up the mucus. It worked, but it didn’t stop me coughing on the call. I was much better than if I hadn’t done it at all, however, that was a small win.

Generally, my mucus would flare again at different times and I didn’t really know why. It could be after I’d had lunch or a drink of water, so I’d wonder, ‘What’s in my salad today that’s making me bring this up?’ Or ‘What’s going on with my water, is it the magnesium powder that I’ve added that has an ingredient that my body doesn’t agree with?’

I would always bring up the NTM after playing netball and I’d cough after all exercise. Going for a walk was a challenge, heck just walking down to put our chickens away was a challenge. I’d be out of breath before I got down the back of our property – which isn’t that far.

I’d also get light headed and bring up mucus if I over exerted myself, and by over exertion that means pulling a few weeds out in our garden. It didn’t take much.

I truly wondered if this was what people meant when they said ‘When you get to forty, your health goes to shit.’ I was 48 at the time, my 40s had been good to me but now I wasn’t feeling good at all.

I felt like one big ball of mucus who should be put out to pasture – totally what I wanted right? Not at all.

I didn’t want to be 80 years old dying in my own mucus. Assuming I could even get to 80.

So what changed? What’s happened between then and now for me to be in the position that I am now? 

It’s an interesting question and the answer is a lot and not a lot. It’s been about building blocks, knowledge, experiments, having grace with myself and trying new things.

It’s never been about judgement or about looking outside of myself for the answers, nor has it been about finding the one thing – the one answer because, for me, there’s rarely one answer.

Rather, it’s been about listening to my body, noticing the signs around me and utilising the tools I have and that others have to heal.

This journey for me, is all about healing multi-dimensionally – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and it all begins with me.

What I’m going to share from here on in, well, it’s going to include what I’ve tried, what’s worked, what hasn’t worked or what I’ve let go of, and who I’ve become because I’ve gone on this journey – are you ready to dive in? Are you ready to play around in your own life, make changes and see what works and what doesn’t work for you? It’s time, and we can heal – I believe we will all heal.

Today, Thursday, has been a really interesting day, and I’m keen to share.

On Tuesday, I decided to look up podcasts on Bronchiectasis (thank goodness for auto-correct, it knows how to spell it and hopefully soon, I won’t have to remember!). I chose a medical one and started listening.

It gave a lot of the science and it also talked about how Bronchiectasis is a permanent, long term lung disease (which I don’t believe, but anyway). I listened to about 10 minutes before I got distracted and moved onto something else.

It got me questioning myself though, is it really permanent – am I kidding myself?

My philosophy is this: At some point on my journey, most likely when I had pneumonia, my lungs needed more air than they were getting. In order to do this, my lungs went ‘let’s widen so we can get in the air Susan’s body needs to function.’ So my body went to work doing that.

Then at some point I was fortunate (I’m joking here) to bring in this Non-Tuberculosis Mycobacterium (NTM – again thank you auto-correct), which when my lungs widened, it thought ‘ohhhh goody, more space to grow into, let’s PARTY!’ And it did. The amount of mucus I coughed up increased.

Then my body went, oh we don’t want you in here, so it naturally my body found ways for me to remove it and this was largely through coughing it up.

In essence, my body was doing the best it could to make sure it could function – at it’s best. 

• Widening my airways so I could breathe – tick.
• Kicking out the bug in my lungs by wrapping it in mucus and coughing it out of my body – tick.

Annoying as it all was, it’s actually really cool right – my body did that to support me!! Thank you body.

So, I figure, if my body can create this, then my body can uncreate this – and that’s not to put all the pressure on my body to do it, I actually have to turn up and help it heal.

I have to do the work and not ‘magically’ think it’s going to change just by thought alone (although that’s super powerful and part of the process too).

Imagine this, what if I could reduce the mucus in my lungs, and if the mucus wasn’t there (long term goal) then my bronchial tubes could contract back to normal size? It’s a possible theory right?

So now you know my philosophy on this whole adventure, let’s get back to today – Thursday and why it’s been so interesting.

I woke up at 5.15am this morning. I had a work call at 6am and I get up at that time to boil my jug and make my Chinese herbal tea – that takes 5 minutes (my tea steeps for 20 minutes). Whilst the jug is boiling, I go down to my office, turn on the light, uncover my microphone, log into my computer, check my email and make sure I have everything I need for my call (which I do because I set it up the night before). Make sure my Remarkable is in the middle of my desk, and my ear phones are ready to go.

Then I headed down to my kitchen, pour my herbal tea and I get back into bed with Chris for a 20 minute cuddle before getting on my call.

I’m so low maintenance on my calls, no makeup and my hair pulled back. Super easy and super authentic.

I coughed twice when I was at my desk checking email etc. 2 x dry cough, then I coughed again when I got up to get on my call, again 2 x dry cough.

During my two calls, I muted myself to clear my throat, but it was just a bit of mucus, nothing to worry about and nothing that I needed to spit out in a tissue. It was more of that niggly mucus that makes your voice sound hoarse.

I got off my calls at 9.30am, and has one decent piece of mucus to bring up – it was about the size of a 20c piece. I then went out to mulch my garden and I coughed up a couple of little bits of mucus, again small and nothing to think about.

I then meditated, had lunch with Chris, had a shower and sat down to write.

At about 1.30pm I had more mucus come up, but it was liquid, no more than a teaspoon (even though it feels like a tablespoon in my mouth!) and it was done. I’ve coughed a few times since but the was it.

This is the interesting bit, when I was in the shower I had the thought, ‘maybe it’s time to test my mucus.’ Ohhh that’s interesting, I thought. What I meant by this was to eat and do things that created the mucus, like going gluten free for a while and then adding it back in to see if your body could tolerate it.

I knew I wasn’t at the point of testing out my mucus response but the fact that I had the though meant that things were changing and soon, not far away, I’ll be ready to test my body and see what happens!

My ultimate goal is to be NTM free for 5 years. That’s what I can see is possible for me, and when I do that my bronchial tubes will stabilise, returning to normal, and I will have healed.

This is the journey that I’m on and I’m excited!

It’s hard to do something different when the world around you believes their way’s the right way, and it might have been the right way for you but you’ve changed and you see things differently or perhaps that way hasn’t been a good fit for you or perhaps you’ve tried that way and it just hasn’t worked.

You know you best and that’s the thing we forget.

There are a couple of home truths that I know and I’ve learned deeply on my journey:

• Everyone’s doing the best they can – yes everyone, even the person who you think can’t drive properly, they’re doing their best.
• When someone gives us advice they genuinely do it because they want to help and they think they’re helping.
• Everyone is unique.

The best thing we can do for anyone is listen.

We don’t have to do anything.

If it feels right or appropriate we can ask ‘would you like help with this or would you just like to share what’s happening?’

Most people are never asked these questions and therefore most people don’t know the answer to these questions. And that’s ok.

When things started shifting in my lungs I didn’t know what was going on. Most of the time I felt ‘normal’ and then occasionally I’d have mucus come up. It was odd but then it would disappear so I didn’t worry about it, I just noticed it.

Then as things progressed, I did my best to heal it myself and when that didn’t work I reached out to what I knew. I got antibiotics for it and went on with life. That worked for a little while but things didn’t naturally get better.

The thing with any health issue is that everyone has an opinion or, on the other hand, they don’t know how to support you so they change the subject – sound familiar?

This means, you learn very quickly that it’s easier to say nothing, telling everyone that you’re fine and ‘there’s nothing to see here’ because frankly you don’t have the ‘answers’ and you don’t want to ‘worry’ about it any more.

It’s draining.

It’s exhausting.

And, you’re hoping it will go away – soon.

That doesn’t happen, or at least it didn’t in my case.

So when I coughed up blood, the first time, I decided to do something different. I went to see a Functional Dr. That led to me being diagnosed with Bronchiectasis for the first time. It was 2020 and I’d been struggling with my lungs since 2015, even though the symptoms were showing from as early as 2011.

When we mention coughing up blood to anyone, that scares people and it’s not ‘normal’ so I didn’t talk about it.

I didn’t want to have recurring conversations with people, concerned people, who were more scared of you dying and the effect that would have on their life – and of course yours – so I closed my mouth and got on with life.

Of course I found small spaces where I could talk about it and they were with new friends who understood that they couldn’t fix me, but they could love me right where I was and support me there. They also understood energetics, and that perhaps this wasn’t my issue in the first place – perhaps it was someone else’s issues or perhaps a past life issue or perhaps it was linked to emotions, perhaps it was all of the above and more. They knew I had work to do and they were keen to watch me on my journey. To ask me amazing questions and to support me.

What I found with the blood incidents, and yes there were a few, that if it cleared up, no one really worried about it. What I mean by that is Western Medicine didn’t worry about it. And Western Medicine was what I was used to. Western Medicine became really effective was when the bleeding didn’t stop.

In August 2023, I woke up coughing up blood. It was a beautiful red colour. I hadn’t seen blood like this in a while, maybe a year, so I wondered, would it stop?

If it stops then we get on with life because even if I tell a Dr, they’re going to say ‘well it stopped, so keep living life.’ 

I get it, it’s like a cut on your leg. We can clean it up, put a bandage on it and it will heal. Whilst I wasn’t putting a bandage on my lungs, they were smart and they would heal.

However, after 5 days of intermittently coughing up bright red blood I took myself to hospital to find out I had an infection.

One round of liquid antibiotics and 3 rounds of capsule antibiotics later, with lots of probiotics (self-prescribed) my lungs stopped bleeding and healed. The bleeding actually stopped within 2 or 3 days, it was quick, and I was grateful.

Aside from my husband, who knew what was happening, and a couple of close friends, I told no one.

Chris however, needed to process it and he told a few people. In general, I didn’t have an issue with this, it’s healthy, however he shared it in a space where I didn’t feel safe, and it led to a conversation of ‘concerned’ people getting me on a group call. The call was like a surprise birthday party, and you hate surprises.

As a stand alone incident it would seem scary to anyone. Perhaps reading this you’re thinking ‘wait, you waited 5 days to get help?’ And this is basically what I received on that group call, with some sarcasm for effect.

I met that sarcasm with directness and honesty. I didn’t pull any punches, I said it exactly how it was and what my experience was. I said things like:

• You have to understand my history and laid it out. I shared my previous lung bleeding issues, irregular as they were, and the comments made by Western Medicine Drs. None of it was an issue for me, they literally couldn’t do anything about it but monitor me – if I let them.
• I shared what was helping, things like detoxifying our life and home, meditating, sound bowls, energetic healers etc.
• And then asked them, what would you have me do?

They honestly had no answers.

It wasn’t their fault, they didn’t have the full picture and I was able to give them that picture in the conversation but had I been a version of me from 10 years ago having the conversation – it would have been completely different.

This version of me believed that I was doing everything I could, and I was.

This version of me believed that things would change over time, and it was.

This version of me knew that I would learn more which would take my healing to another level, and it was.

This version of my knew I was standing in my truth, and I did.

I was proud of myself and my ability to navigate that conversation but it’s not easy. I’ve played that conversation over in my head many times. There were things I could have done differently. I could have softened what I said and still delivered my truth, but I didn’t and that’s ok. That’s a lesson for my future. That’s having grace for myself.

Going on this journey, any health journey, isn’t easy and one day I’ll tell you that I’ve fully healed my lungs and that I’m proud of myself for doing the work I did. But let me tell you now, that I’m proud of the work I’m doing right now, because it’s transforming me in more ways than just my lungs.

Community is important full stop, but the right community is even more powerful and understanding that our unique journey’s are exactly that – ours. People will come in with what they think is right – but they haven’t and aren’t living our journey. Choose your community wisely.

PS. Your intuition is your greatest guide and so are the lessons we learn in life, so pay attention.